You know how you hear about people getting so low, they drink to take away the pain of being? Well I’ve never really had that. I am well aware however that after a huge night out on the tiles, “being” is often quite painful. Well tonight I think I finally understood the concept, and drank to take away the pain of “being,” at Speed Dating. Bloody Hell.
So here I am, back in New Zealand, desperate and dateless, and thank God this time around I’m not the only one. There is a gaggle of girls looking to nest, and unfortunately a murder of men, looking to mate. We’re all aware of the desperate shituation of dating in New Zealand – the two little words that no one likes to mention: Man Drought. Well tonight I took matters into my own hands and had a crack at speed dating. Essentially it’s a great idea. No funny business. Eight minutes to get right down to the nitty gritty, and for a straight-shooting sheila like myself, I thought speed dating would be my bag.
So tonight after laboriously filling out a questionnaire in order to find “the perfect match,” I meet eight computer geeks, one photocopier technician and a funeral director. I am not lying. Is there something I’m missing here? Am I not the woman I thought I was? Or did I just get fleeced?
I don’t like to judge a book by it’s cover, count chickens before they turn into early birds, but I found it bloody hard not to tonight. When I asked one of my “dates” “So what do you like to do for shits and giggles?” I was faced with “I like to play computer games… I like to play a lot of computer games. When I’m not working, I’m playing computer games.” Eventually he asks me the same question, and I tell him I like to watch Anchorman, listen to a few tunes, and fancy the odd bit of exercise. He then tells me exercise is not fun at all, and that he’s not really interested in anything of the non-electronic variety. He later goes on to tell me how he runs every day. When I tell him it’s a universal fact that running is a form of exercise, he tells me he has to do it to maintain his physique. He runs for five minutes every morning, and weighs approximately 48 kilos, dripping wet.
And then there was Markus, who after telling me very directly that he wants to find a life partner, that “Star Trek is the way forward. It’s the only thing I have faith in.” His friend Kyle in the Dr Suess ‘one fish two fish’ tie denied playing Dungeons and Dragons, but did admit to liking a bit of offbeat music. He sang one song for me, “I’m a barbie girl, in a barbie world…” I think we all know the one. And it was at that precise moment that I realised I am indeed destined to die alone in a room heavy with the tang of cat pee, and then maybe be eaten by Alsatians a week later.
So yeah, what about speed dating eh? I’m glad I tested the water for the gaggle of girls. I have a strong character, and this experience was definitely character-building, but the only speed on my date was the speed at which I was pouring champagne down my neck to take away the pain of being there in the first place.
I know, I know, our biological clocks are ticking blah blah blah, time is of the essence, there’s no time like the present, the nighttime is the right time, and a fast game is a good game. It all points to speed dating. It makes sense. I also know that good things come to those who wait a while, and I’m quite happy waiting eight minutes longer for the man of my dreams to saunter in and sweep me off my feet. Say no to speed dating!
